During a recent visit to Mom’s assisted living facility, I thought again about the five love languages. 
In his book, Gary Chapman explains the love languages as: touch, gifts, quality time, acts of service and affirming words. When we know the love languages of those around us, we can better relate to them.
As I grew up, I never considered the love languages of my parents. But now that Mom is walking through the shadows of Alzheimer’s, I am looking for various ways to communicate with her.
Finding her love language is one of my attempts to somehow make a connection with this woman I call Mom.
Gifts are definitely not Mom’s love language. When someone gives her something, she loses it and then accuses someone of stealing it. And even when she wins a Snickers bar at Bingo, she immediately gives it away. Her life no longer exists in possessions, so gifts are not Mom’s love language.
Touch has never been an important part of our family life. Although Mom will receive my hugs, she never initiates them. Touch does not work as a love language for my mother.
Affirming words might be slightly closer for Mom’s love language, but not for long. If I say anything nice to her, “Your hair looks really nice today, Mom.” Or “That color of lavender looks so good against your white hair,” she says thank you and then changes the subject. Or she gives me one of those looks that means, “You’re kidding, right?”
Acts of service. My family has always stressed a strong work ethic. We work hard, and we work for others as much as for ourselves. But performing an act of service for my mom would be empty and wasted energy. She would turn it around and want to do something in return for me.
Besides, what act of service could I do for her? Her laundry is taken care of at the facility. Someone else cooks her meals and serves them to her on beautiful plates. She walks to the salon to have her hair fixed. Her needs are all met.
The only love language that remains is quality time. This is the one way I can show her love, spending time with her whenever I can. Quality time means sitting in her apartment and answering the same questions over and over without becoming grumpy about it.
It means looking through the cards she has received and talking about the senders of those cards – old friends and new friends, relatives and church members.
It means walking around the pond with her and stopping frequently so that she can catch her breath. It means carving some time into a weekend and sitting with Mom even if neither of us has anything to say.
Loving Mom now means just spending time with her. And I’m glad to do it – while I can – before our time together finally ends.
©2014 RJ Thesman – “The Unraveling of Reverend G” – http://amzn.to/11QATC1
I liked this post the best because it applied to me even without having a parent who has dementia. I had forgotten quality time was a love language. Thanks for the reminder.
I’m so glad you enjoyed the post, Jan. Thanks for responding. Those love languages are so important with any relationship.
This is helpful to me. My mom and I are not close and we both have our minds in tact…. It’s a heart issue with us…. (I AM listening, Lord!) Thank you, Rebecca! !
I’m so glad it was helpful to you, Suzie. Finding love languages has been a wonderful learning experience for me.