Several weeks ago, I drove to Oklahoma and spent an afternoon with Mom. For the first time in months, she was fairly lucid, bossing me, like her old self.
We took a walk around the perimeter of the assisted living facility, discussed the geese who sometimes fly onto the pond for a drink or goose fellowship – whatever geese do.
Mom remarked how nice the facility is and how glad she is to live there – a reversal of the attitude she sometimes displays when she demands, “Why am I here? Why did you kids do this to me?”
Heartache piled upon guilt.
But on this day, she seemed grateful, and I saw in her the personality I grew up with – the bossy Mom who made sure her kids read at least seven books each week, practiced their musical instruments and worked hard to complete their chores and finish their homework.
Suddenly, we were transported decades back as Mom became herself:
“You need to hem up those pants you’re wearing. They’re dragging on the ground.”
“I did hem them, Mom.”
“Well, you need to do it again – another inch at least.”
“Okay, Mom. When I get home.”
Then we walked to the dining room. Mom instructed me where to sit. “Grab that chair over there. Someone else will sit beside me.”
As the meal was served, Mom worried that I wasn’t eating. “How come you don’t have a plate? Do you want me to order one for you?”
“No. I stopped at Braum’s two hours ago. I’m not hungry.”
“Well, you’ll be hungry by morning. Do you want a cookie? I’ll get you a cookie.”
“No, thanks. I eat gluten free.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m allergic to wheat.”
“Well, that can’t be right. You grew up on a wheat farm and we had bread for every meal.”
“Exactly. That’s why I have an allergy to wheat.”
“Are you sure you don’t want a cookie?”
The nurturing of children continues into old age, even when the brain is infected with Alzheimer’s plaque. A mother longs to feed her children, to make sure they are never hungry, even if they’re just visiting, even if they’ve just eaten.
After the meal, we walked back to Mom’s room. “Do you want to watch the idiot box?” (Mom’s description for the TV).
“No. I’ll just sit here with you or read a book.”
“Yeah. There’s nothing on but junk anyway.” We sat in silence for a while, then suddenly – Mom looked at me, her glasses slightly askew. “Are you dating?”
“No. I’m pretty busy.”
“Well, you should be dating someone. I don’t understand why some wonderful man hasn’t snatched you up.”
It was the nicest compliment she has paid me in years. My throat began to fill with the tears of missing my mom, of not being able to call her and discuss my latest book, of no longer sharing a shopping trip or the latest crochet pattern or the encouragement of a Psalm.
“Thanks, Mom. That’s nice.”
“Well, I’m just askin’.”
For a few hours on a hot July afternoon, Mom and I connected on a level long past. She was again the bossy Mom, demanding answers and commanding me in directions she wanted me to take.
Once again, I was the daughter and our roles were clear, not reversed or confused in the dynamics of what Alzheimer’s does to families.
And for a few hours, we sat together in peace, two women – still joined by an emotional umbilical cord.
It was sweet. I know that may never happen again.
©2015 RJ Thesman – Author of the Reverend G books http://www.crossrivermedia.com/portfolio/1624/gallery/fiction/
I enjoyed reading this today and am rejoicing with you. I am praising the Lord for the gift that He gave you!
What a wonderful and probably totally unexpected gift. I know you will cherish the day your Mom was Mom again.
Yes, Shirley – it was totally unexpected and only later – when I journaled about it – did I realize how wonderful it truly was!
Thank you, Debbie. Yes – it was a fabulous and precious gift !
So thankful for the priceless window of connect with your mom. The emotional umbilical cord as tangible – more-so, maybe – than the physical. Beautiful.
Thank you, Jerry. It was such a special day – a memory to treasure for always.
So glad you recognized that moment while it was happening. You will have this day in your memory bank forever.
So correct, Jenny. A treasured memory.
So great to read this post today. I was thinking that probably when you were younger you didn’t like when Mom was bossy. Now you treasure it. Thanks for sharing today. You are in my prayers.
You’re so right. As a teenager, a bossy Mom was not my favorite thing – now it is a sweet memory.
I can just hear her! Thank you for this
I know … isn’t that the truth? Thanks, Debbie.
Thanks for sharing – I thank God for hope. My mother-in-law sometimes is able to say something motherly and it feels so good (my mom has been gone for 8 years). Mostly right now she is very angry with me and often says how awful I am for shutting her up in “this place” and leaving her alone, but sometimes she is kind and loving and like you said, it’s a treasure because we don’t know when or if it will come again.
You’re so right, Evie. We have to just enjoy the good moments that come and not feel guilty about the bad ones.