The inevitable happened. I just wasn’t ready for it – yet.
This summer of 2017 seems rampant with the unexpected.
A visit with my mother in assisted living and BAM – another unavoidable side effect of Alzheimer’s Disease.
She no longer knew me.
“Hi, kiddo,” her greeting for everyone who enters her room.
As we started talking, I knew the connection had failed. I was being addressed in third person.
“My oldest daughter lives in Saint Louis,” she said. “She works there. I forget what she does.”
“I’m a writer, Mom. And it’s Kansas City – not Saint Louis.”
No response. No affirmation. Just a tilt of her head and a puzzled look. “Who are you married to now?”
Now? As if I’ve been married several times with a revolving door for relationships. Who am I in her plaque-infested brain? Okay. I can play this game. Mom will forget this conversation five seconds after I leave.
“Who are you married to now?”
“Colin Firth.” Might as well make it good.
“Oh. Does he treat you right?”
“Yes. He’s the best.”
“Does he know how to use the litter box?” Somehow Mom switched from Colin to cats.
“Uhm – yes. He’s British and they’re trained to properly use the litter box.”
Before we could continue this ridiculous conversation, Mom was called to the dining room for supper. I decided to sit at her table, even if she didn’t know me.
She introduced me to the rest of the residents, “This is my company.”
Company – a safe term. No connection. No relationship.
A sweet lady on my left asked, “Do you play piano? Could you play my favorite song?”
I wondered if she asked everyone that question or did she somehow assume that I knew how to play. She adjusted her walker and I followed her to the piano. “Please play ‘There’s Something About That Name’,” she said with a slight catch in her throat.
Give this lady some joy and play her favorite song. Maybe it will help erase the fact that my mother is unaware of who I am, carefully spooning into her chili and cornbread mixture.
So I started playing the song, then joined in a decent duet, singing with my new friend. We segued into “Great is Thy Faithfulness” and “Amazing Grace.”
From the other side of the room, I watched Mom rest her chin on her hands, her face a beatific spread of happiness – enjoying the music. Did she suddenly remember all the years of piano lessons, as she sacrificed time and money so I could learn what she had always longed to do?
I wanted to memorize her face, to never forget the contentment reflected there – not certain I would ever see it again.
Thank you, Mom, for making piano lessons possible for me. I’m giving joy to this unknown woman beside me, but I’m playing for you, Mom – the daughter you no longer know.
The mini-concert ended and I returned to Mom’s table. Another woman asked her, “Is this your daughter?”
Mom just shrugged.
We walked back to her room, and I kissed her goodbye. “I’ll see you soon.”
“Okay,” she said, already punching the TV remote, oblivious as to what “soon” means. It will be months before I make the trip back to Oklahoma from Kansas City.
Not Saint Louis. Not so soon.
And when I return, will a blip of memory reappear? Or is the knowledge of who I am gone forever?
Have I mentioned how much I hate Alzheimer’s?
©2017 RJ Thesman, Author and Writing Coach
How does a family deal with caregiving 24/7? What does the Long Good-bye involve and what are some practical tips for dealing with it? “Sometimes They Forget” helps us find hope as caregivers in the Alzheimer’s Journey. Order your copy here.
so beautifully written. so deeply moving. Thank you again for sharing your heart.
Thanks, Bea – appreciate your comment.
This is a powerful post, RJ. Thank you for sharing this depth of emotion with others on the journey.
Thank you – another stage in the journey.
I related to your article, When Hope Lives in Third Person. I invite you to post on my website, AID (Assisting Individuals with Dementia). I know my followers would appreciate your story. Thanks! Brenda Poulos
thanks, Brenda. I could not find the link for your website. Would you like me to share the post on your Facebook page?
Brings back memories of the first time my mom didn’t know me. I appreciate the honesty mixed with gratitude. Thank you.
Thanks, Sylvia. So sorry your mom also traveled this journey.
What a powerful string of messages here. . flavored with hilarious humor (‘Colin’s impromptu showing brought a good chuckle!), and poignant realities. My close friend Ken’s mother, who’s not known for some time the boy she raised, went to Jesus two nights ago. Hating the memory thief, loving the memory-builders – a tension navigable only with the Comforter’s aid, right. Peace your way.
Thanks, Jerry. A good reminder – to focus on the “memory builders.”
My heart hurts for you. As a C.N.A for many years, I’ve seen the pain on the faces of the resident’s family. As a daughter with a mother just beginning the journey, I share your loss, and the comfort of memories from another time. I don’t understand why God allows this in the lives of people that have accepted His gracious gift of salvation, but He does. I know He has a purpose in it. Someday I’ll understand, and we’ll have that relationship with those loved ones again. You are in my prayers.
Thanks, Deborah, and I’m so sorry your mother and your family are on this journey as well. If it helps, I have an online support group on Facebook, “Sometimes They Forget” where we post encouragements for each other. Here’s the link, if you’d like to join. https://www.facebook.com/groups/341142315906071/
Thank you for the link. Have a great evening!
Oh, Rebecca.
Yeah. Usually I like July. Not this year.
Do not give up. Now and then she might remember you even if just for a minute. That was true for my mother. A sense of humour is important while you go on this journey with your mother. I am impressed by your new relationship with Colin and his proper training.
Wise words, Ginger. Yes – I will not give up – in my relationship with Mom or with Colin.
Ahh! A touch of humor. Love it. Hurray for Colin!
Yep – leave it to the British to do things properly.