She sat in my office, this sad mother who was concerned for her daughter. “Surely, this isn’t possible,” she said. “They’ve been married 20 years and the whole family goes to church.”
“I’m sorry, but it is possible. Not only possible, but it happens more often than you might think.” The mental images of several women marched across my brain. Women whose stories underscore the truth.
We think of domestic abuse as blackened eyes and bruised faces. But it can be so much more. And unfortunately, it does happen in ‘Christian’ homes with couples who regularly attend church. Even those who minister within the sanctity of the church. Check out this video with Leslie Vernick, LCSW: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4oADevvFlDo
One out of three women live in destructive relationships. We rarely hear about it from the pulpit or recognize this tragedy until a marriage ends, a blog post screams the truth, or a woman is carried out of her home, strapped to a gurney.
Domestic abuse hides behind mental prisons, within emotional scars. We cannot see this type of ugliness, and we don’t want to admit it happens — especially like the example above — in our own families. Yet it will continue, especially if we keep its dirty secret. Too many hurting victims afraid to confess their truth. Too many abusers comfortable with their shame.
On the back pages of my novel, No Visible Scars, I have listed some of the symptoms of domestic abuse. These come from years of working with women, resources from safe places where women seek shelter, and trusted professionals such as Leslie Vernick.
These are some of the scars my heroine, Abigail, suffers. The same scars women suffered during biblical times and still suffer today. Consider: Are you hiding behind some of these symptoms? Do you know a woman who might be struggling? Do you know a man who brags about treating ‘his woman’ this way?
- Using the Bible or religious traditions to put down women
- Degrading her in front of the children and/or in public
- Playing good guy/bad guy. She never knows who will be walking in the door.
- Snooping in her mail or purse
- Controlling behaviors / not allowing her to cut her hair or dress a certain way
- Forceful sexual advances and/or rape. Yes. Rape can happen within a marriage.
- Giving her the silent treatment
- Not allowing her to have her own checking account or credit cards
These are only a few of the symptoms listed and shown through the story of Abigail. The saddest aspect of domestic abuse is that many women have been taught they must put up with it. That God demands they must submit and learn how to be quiet, gentle women.
This is such a putrid lie.
We can go to the same Bible often used as a weapon to find the truth. Consider how Jesus treated women. How he respected them. Valued them. Defended them. Allowed them to join his tribe and listen to his teachings.
Consider what God the Almighty did to Abigail’s abusive husband, Nabal. “The Lord smote Nabal and he died.” (First Samuel 25:38 KJV).
In essence, God was saying, “Don’t mess with my daughters.”
The same God loves and defends his daughters today. How can we do less? How can we offer hope to the women in our churches, our families, our communities?
We start by telling the truth, by admitting that it happens, and calling it out. Then we support and encourage these women when they come for help. And we teach our children well — our sons how to treat their sisters. Our daughters to embrace empowerment.
We are made in the image of God, male and female. And as divine image bearers, we need to be more proactive to respect each other. To defend women and their children. To make sure our men are living examples of godly behavior. And to make them accountable when they are not.
©2024 RJ Thesman – All Rights Reserved
Image Attribution: Susan Wilkinson / Unsplash.com
October is National Domestic Abuse Awareness month. Read about Abigail’s story in No Visible Scars.
Models of masculine behavior toward women can be influenced by religious and political leaders. Yesterday I heard Donald Trump offer some vile commentary on masculine prowess, of the type based on body parts. And his profane comments about Harris were disgusting. As a company commander in the army, I had to deal with subordinate leaders who led other men through bullying. I court marshaled one of them. Men who perform that way, especially with women, are ignorant and fundamentally immoral….going to church as a way to mask a deep sense of inferiority and a beastly cultural outlook. When first married I was asked to serve as a church deacon in Texas. All we “men” did was go to a basement during the worship service and count the offering, with many telling off color stories, racist jokes, and making other comments I found egregiously disgusting. Above us in the sanctuary the pastor and others were showing allegiance to the teachings of Jesus. I quit the board of deacons in disgust and told them why. I was told it was just a “Texas thing” and no harm was meant. Phooey.
Whether declared a ‘Texas thing’ or ‘locker room talk,’ it is indeed disgusting and shows the true character of those taking part in it. Thanks for being a maverick and treating women with respect.